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March 9, 2014

At War With Satan – another little excerpt

Makes me Giggle, Metalheads Who Read, Writing Runes

My debut novel, At War With Satan, is released as an ebook THIS FRIDAY. A paperback version will be available at the end of the month. All this week I’ll be posting excerpts from the book and answering questions, and setting up author pages at places like GoodReads (here I am!).

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If you, or anyone you know, wants to write a review for a blog or publication, then please give me a buzz on steff@steffmetal.com, and I will happily send you a free copy.

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What if loud music really COULD send you to hell?

All Gavin ever wanted was to drum in a heavy metal band, and find a girl who could tolerate his hair clogging up the sink and appreciate the exquisite poetry of Cannibal Corpse lyrics. When Lou – the mysterious stranger with the voice of doom – comes to Gavin’s small English village, all Gavin’s dreams begin to come true; he falls for Suzie, a cute metal chick with a serious lack of hand-eye coordination, and his band At War With Satan – fronted by Lou, of course – is opening for Spiked Coffin, only the biggest heavy metal band in the world.

Little does Gavin know that Lou’s a demon using their music to recruit metalheads to fight in the upcoming apocalypse. But when the battle goes horribly wrong, Lou, Gavin, Suzie and the reaper Death of Mauling by Particularly Homicidal Badgers set out across Hell to save an innocent girl and stop the triumphant demonic forces relocating to Earth, permanently.

At War With Satan is populated by a cast of motley metalheads, cuddly kittens, horrid heavy metal clichés, reapers, zombies, shades, gargoyles, accountancy clerks and gourd juice. Are you ready to sell your soul for true metal?

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In today’s excerpt, our hero, Gavin, is busy getting ready for his band’s first ever opening slot for international superstars, Spiked Coffin.

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The Saturday of the Spiked Coffin concert went something like this:

10:32AM. Awoke super early (10:32AM is super early for a post-piss-up metalhead household) to the realisation that I would be playing before Spiked Coffin tonight. I leapt out of bed and after a long deliberation over the pile of sweaty black t-shirts in the corner, decided on a Megadeth shirt and pulled that over my throbbing head.

11:52AM. Went to kitchen, discovered stoner flatmates frying pancakes. Cleaned up smiley face Aidan had drawn on the wall in syrup, and cooked the rest of the batter.

12:09PM. Changed batter-encrusted Megadeth shirt for a Mayhem one.

12:15PM. Paced nervously for several minutes.

12:22PM. Replaced Mayhem shirt with Spiked Coffin World Slavery tour shirt, decided this was a safe bet.

12:24PM. Resumed pacing.

12:45PM. Practised drums. Discovered that I couldn’t remember drum tracks. Panicked. Resumed pacing.

1:27PM. Hounded stoner flatmates for weed to cure panic. Situation desperate enough to break post-Rhoddie fast.

1:35PM. Smoked weed. Discovered excruciating hunger. Decided to cook steak.

1:42PM. Burned hand on stove. Yowled in pain. Burned steak while cooling hand under tap.

1:47PM. Ate burnt steak sandwich. Enjoyed immensely. Spilled tomato sauce on Spiked Coffin shirt.

1:48PM. While pacing, accidentally stood on Destroyer’s tail. Received 12cm scratch along forearm. Apologised profusely and showered kitten in kisses until he left in disgust. Resumed pacing.

2:10PM. Stan turned up and noticed the thin track I’d worn in the carpet.

“Why are you pacing?”

“Cuz I’m nervous, dickshit.”

“Does pacing help you stop being nervous?”

“Not really.”

“Then stop fucking doing it. It’ll make you nervous and dizzy.”

Fair call. I sat down and began picking the skin from around my fingernails.

2:32PM. Resolved to rid Spiked Coffin shirt of sauce stain. Now have sodden shirt, water all over the laundry, and a kitten dusted in washing powder. Chose smelly Opeth shirt instead.

4:30PM. Packed down drumkit and stacked it in Stan’s van. Stan busied himself combing his hair for thirty-five minutes.

5:30PM. Started van.

At War With Satan goes on sale Friday for Kindle, Kobo, and other devices. I hope you’ll pick up a copy!

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