Heavy Metal Phrasebook

A few years ago, I wrote a novel about the heavy metal apocalypse. I won’t say any more about that, except it was quite brilliantly funny, set in New Zealand, and completly un-appetizing to publishers. At the back of the book, I wrote a glossary of common metal terms, for the uninitiated reader. Since the book won’t see the light of day any time soon, I though you all might enjoy the glossary.

Grymm Brutal Technical Goregrind Glossary … of Doom.

Black Metal:

n. sub-genre of metal that originated in Norway and was made infamous by the antics of bands like Mayhem, Satyrican, Darkthrone, Emperor and Burzum. Hell bent on creating an antithesis to all that is good in the world, Black Metal explored themes of Satanism, evil, chaos and Nordic pagan culture.

Musically, it is characterised by simplistic riffs, fast blastbeats, and tremolo picking and resembles the sound a laptop computer makes when you throw it into a swimming pool. Its participants decorate themselves with corpsepaint, and can be found burning down orphanages and eating each others brains.

Bogan Pride!

Bogan:

n. Homo sapiens boganius, (see also. metalhead) originated in Western Australia and was a term used to describe a group of neanderthalic individuals who inhabited the shores of the Bogan river. Throughout the ages, the term ‘bogan’ has come to be associated with all those dole-bludgers who wear black, live in state-housing in west Auckland, litter their front gardens with used-car parts, drive Kingswood station wagons, meet their nutritional needs with meals from the local chippie and $2 steak and cheese pies, suffix their mates’ names with ‘azza’, and listen to heavy metal music.

In recent years, many metalheads in the antipodes have claimed the word “bogan” as a synonym for metalhead, in an attempt to create their own cultural identity. So far, this has been of mixed success.

The bogan is an often misunderstood mammal, and his habitat and diet have not been well documented by scientists who favour more glamorous research projects like monkeys and badgers, which also smoke less pot and smell more fragrant.

Corpsepaint:

n. When Black metal musicians paint themselves to look like dead clowns or walking, electric guitar-playing corpses. Not to be confused with Kiss makeup, since Kiss are too disco to be krieg.

Corpsepaint Birthday Cake

Dead:

n. The lead vocalist of popular black metal band Mayhem, Dead committed suicide in 1991 by blowing his brains out with a shotgun. His suicide not read “excuse all the blood”.

Death Metal:

n. The aural equivalent of soft tissue being forcibly extracted from the skull cavity by decidedly non-musical instruments. Death metal bands have brilliant names like Necropotomus and Hot for Corpse and Satan’s Suicidal Death Cunt Satan. Sprouting from Death metal is Brutal Death Metal: Death metal with more extreme sounding names.

Emo:

A fatal error would be to confuse a metalhead with an emo. The distinction here should be clear as emos aren’t actually considered human. To be confused with a prepubescent, androgynous, squared-spectacled, weeping, wrist-slitting, chuck-Taylor toting, pink-and-black-striped-sock-wearing monster with a running nose and tissues stuffed up the sleeves of its My Chemical Romance shirt, sporting a meticulously coiffed fringe that looks like a droopy unicorn penis is a mighty insult to any proud metalhead. I warn you that if you ever make this mistake, you will only make it once.

A diagram to help you spot an Emo

Euronymous:

The lead guitarist of Norwegian black metal band Mayhem between 1983-1993. Often cited as the founder of the black metal scene and instigator of the infamous church burnings across Norway. Euronymous was the first to find Dead … well, dead … and instead of calling the police he shot several rolls of film and then cooked his bandmate’s brain into a stew and ate it. The photos of Dead later turned up on the cover of the Mayhem bootleg Dawn of Black Hearts. Euronymous was stabbed at his Oslo apartment 23 times by bandmate Varg Vikernes.

Folk Metal:

n. Any kind of metal sub-genre mixed with folk instruments. Most band members dress up as elves, peasants or trolls. Folk metal is mostly as silly as it sounds. See bands like FinnTroll, Skyclad, Korplikanii.

Goth:

Metalheads are not – and this is very important – ever to be confused with Goths, who wear black also, but their black is BLACK, black like the lining of a coffin, black like their mascara, black like their souls.

Instead of adorning themselves in cheap cotton effigies touting skulls and pentagrams and slogans like ‘The Time to Kill is Now,’ Goths prefer velvet, and lace, and chiffon, and even vinyl.

Many metalheads actually refer to themselves as Goths, but the Goths know better. For example, while the majority of Goths will tout H. P. Lovecraft as their favourite author, most bogans – who are a wholly illiterate race – have only seen the film adaptation, whilst stoned.

A Goth

Grymm:

adj. Grymm is a metal word and is used to describe something ‘metal’ or something that is rad, awesome, cool or wicked. Note the ‘metal’ spelling. Synonyms: see tr00, kvlt, grymm, nekro, evil.

Hardcore:

n. Take metal, subtract everything that might be mistaken for music, add fifteen-year-old boys who can’t get laid and an insipid sounding name. Voila!

Holden HZ Kingswood 1977

Kingswood:

n. The Holden Kingswood was once the staple model of the larger-sized cars produced by Holden. A drive down any West Auckland street reveals a rust-encrusted Kingswood lurking under every carport.

Krieg:

adj. German for ‘war’. Krieg is metal slang popular in Europe. SynonymL Grymm.

Kvlt:

adj. Cult is used to describe metal bands who have become popular on the underground, similar to cult movies or books. The grymm and nekro spelling evolved over the usage of cult in internet metal forums. Many online communities filter swear words, so posters use alternative spelling, eg. Fvck, kvnt. These alterations spill over onto other popular slang, as a kind of 1337 in-joke that isn’t actually funny.

Metal Couture:

The Metalhead can be easily identified by his attire; huge, clunky steel-capped boots and ripped, straight-leg jeans, usually with an attractive oil stain smeared across the buttocks. His torso will be covered with an immaculately faded black t-shirt depicting one of the following:

1) Logo and cover art of a heavy metal band
2) Logo and tour art of a heavy metal band, with tour dates slashed across the back
3) Logo and picture of band members looking staunch
4) Logo of a bogan associated product – Yamaha, Zildgen, Jack Daniels, Harley Davidson
5) A humorous statement containing the word ‘fuck’.

If the weather is less then savoury, the bogan chooses a leather jacket, a black oilskin, long black trenchcoat, or (strictly for older bogans) a denim jacket covered with patches from famous heavy metal bands.

Metal Couture

Metal Chick:

The metalhead female is a rare and unique creature; and can at first glance be difficult to distinguish from a female Goth (see Goth). Both will dress in equally laced, corseted, zippered, vinyled attire. A bogan male must spend so much time painstakingly removing a female’s garments that he will inevitably fall asleep before intercourse. This is one of the many reasons the metalhead race is in perpetual danger of dying out.

The only indicator that you have stumbled across a true metalhead female is her constant punctuated use of the goat (see Throwing the Goat), and her fondness for swearing and bourbon swilling.

Nekro:

adj. Synonym for Grymm. Latin for ‘death’. As metalheads think death is krieg and Latin is kvlt, nekro is used in lots of metal words: necropolis, necrophilia, necrophagia. Necropocalypse. Note the grymm spelling. Alternative spelling ist krieg.

Post-hardcore:

n. Don’t be fooled, it’s really emo.

Power Metal:

a sub-genre of heavy metal that grew out of the New Wave of British Heavy Metal scene, and is heavily influenced by bands like Iron Maiden and Saxon. Power metal emphasizes tight musicianship, ball-clenchingly high male vocals, and songs about slaying dragons that are so cheesy they make live action role players cringe. Examples: Blind Guardian, Kamelot, Helloween, Nightwish, Rhapsody of Fire.

Throwing the Goat:

des. ph. If you are ever approached by a bogan/metalhead, the most appropriate and friendly opener is to throw him the goat and comment favourably on his choice of t-shirt.

Throwing the goat is not a literal action – which would be ungainly and result in many livestock-related injuries – but rather a hand gesture where one clenches ones hand into a fist, while extending the pinkie and index fingers, forming the ‘goat horns’, and thrusting this ‘goat’ into the air. You can accompany this action with one of the many metal words; tr00, kvlt, krieg, grymm or nekro.

Tr00:

adj. “True” is used to describe metal songs or bands that stay true to the metal ideal, as opposed to false metal, which is played by wimps and posers and is homoerotic in nature. Synonym for kvlt, and evolved along the same process.

Varg

Varg Vikernes:

n. One of the most notorious metal musicians of all time. Varg was a prominent leader of the Norwegian Black Metal scene and conceived the one man band, Burzum. He has recently been released from prison after stabbing his bandmate, Euronymous, 23 times.

Numerous reasons have been cited for the murder, including self-defence, power struggles, a girl, and Euronymous’ wearing of a rather ‘un-krieg’ white sweater. Varg is also allegedly responsible for several of the stave church burnings in Norway.

Viking metal:

n. Folk metal (see folk metal) with Vikings. Vikings ist krieg. German declensions ist kein krieg. Examples: Bathory, Einhajr, Ensiferum.

This is Part 1 of an ongoing project. What do you think?
\m/ Steff \m/