Overcoming Negative Body Image: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Weird Face

Right, an important and serious topic for a change! Body image and self image. How what we look like on the outside impacts how we feel on the inside.

Now, I know a few people will be reading this thinking “what on earth can that skinny bitch know about negative body image? Oh, god, I bet she was anorexic, and this is going to turn into another article about dealing with anorexia. Jeez, give us a real problem, Steff.”

I’m not, nor have I ever been, anorexic or had any kind of eating disorder. Food and I get along just fine : ). (and, FYI, anorexia gets a serious bad rep for being a kind of “she did it to herself” problem, but it’s a deeply traumatizing psychological and physical condition that should not be belittled or swept under the carpet. However, specific eating disorders are not the topic of this article. Gala Darling wrote a really good article about Eating Disorders and she can speak from experience, which is something I can’t do. Have a read of that.)

See? This is not the face of someone who has any kind of negative relationship with food :)

Here’s an odd thing: I never knew I was skinny until I was fifteen.

Huh? Hello, Steff, how could you not notice? I mean, it’s pretty bloody obvious. Didn’t you choose your own clothes?

It’s a very good question. How did I not notice? I was thinking about body image and my weight the other day, and the answer to this question gave me a surprising insight into the world of self-image. I didn’t know I was skinny because no one ever told me.

I had no friends. Comments about the way I looked have been, for the first 18 years of my life, overwhelmingly negative. Ever since I understood that people found the way I look somehow offensive, I’ve hated it myself. They tormented me about my googly eyes, my glasses, my weird clothing, my oily skin and acne (which I had from a young age), my lack of breasts, my odd face and big nose.

Me, pre-body-image issues.

So yeah, I know a little about negative self-image.

My self-image had nothing whatsoever to do with the media. Maybe I’m uniquely unaffected because of the media I surrounded myself with – mainly horror novels and books or movies about fantasy worlds, or music sung by much older men. But my self image was entirely shaped by things other people said, so much so that I didn’t even notice a certain aspect of myself (my weight) until I was 15 and someone pointed it out.

I had no girlfriends to talk about nail polish and do makeovers with and gossip about boys with. So I’ve never used nail polish or makeup and I always assumed finding boyfriends was something I was never going to be able to do.

In high school, I started hanging out with a group of girls, and they would tell me all the time how jealous they were of how skinny I was. I couldn’t believe it – they were all so pretty and so nice, and they would say “You are so lucky you can eat whatever you want and stay skinny.” I thought they had it backwards – I was lucky? No way. I think this opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn’t the only person on earth who suffered from negative self-image problems.

And do you know what? They were right – I am lucky. Not worrying about gaining weight is awesome – and I seriously DO NOT take it for granted.

I went through a period, between the ages of 15-16, where I hated myself beyond all belief. The years of shit had just built up and I was internalizing all this hatred and carrying it around and letting it overshadow everything I did. The only thing that kept me going was some vague notion that things would eventually get better. I felt like I had things still to accomplish far away from the small town I grew up in. It was also a period when I began learning more about myself. I became interested in metal, and the gothic scene, and I took my first trip overseas and discovered how desperately I wanted to travel and have adventures.

By the time I was 17 I had spent time working through the crap in my own head, and I felt like I was finally becoming happy with who I was. I’d spent 16 years surviving and waiting and hanging on, and finally, I entered my last year of high school and I would be leaving this small town and all it’s small town people and moving to the city to become an archaeologist, and suddenly, none of it mattered anyomre. A lightbulb went off in my head, and I just stopped looking at myself through other people’s eyes.

I also took two major steps towards having a more positive self-image: I started going to the gym 3 times a week, and I finished taking Roaccutane, a harsh drug to treat my acne. I still get acne, but not as bad as I used to, and, when looking back objectively, my original acne wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been – I’ve seen people with much worse problems. It was less about how I actually looked, than how I felt people perceived me.

Because of my eyesight, physical education has always been a nightmare for me (gym class, for you Americans). People would throw balls at me, but I couldn’t see them, so they would hit me in the face. I couldn’t run fast because I stooped over to watch the ground, and I always came in last. I couldn’t throw, I couldn’t bat, I couldn’t do … just about everything. I tried doing gymnastics and ballet after school, but my poor balance and coordination (also a product of my eye condition) meant I was pretty bad at these, too. I got discouraged and quit. Until I was 17, I loathed any and all physical activity. To me it was just a vehicle for humiliation and bullying.

After my first boyfriend broke up with me, and I moped around in a grump, my mum said I should come to the gym with her. I agreed, and thank Odin I did! I loved it from the moment I stepped in the door. I didn’t have to talk or play with anyone else. I set my own challenges. They even let me play my own music. From day to day and week to week I could measure my own progress, and I suddenly understood why people found sport fun.

I’ve been a gym bunny ever since, albeit a gym bunny with googly eyes and an oversized Cradle of Filth t-shirt. At uni I started taking extra classes at my gym, and I studied Goju Ryu karate for nearly 3 years. I loved karate – it pretty much destroyed any lingering doubts about my self-image, helped me gain better balance, coordination and strength, and made me feel super confident. I also enjoy tramping, rock climbing, and pretty much any other adventure sport. I’ll even play beach cricket with my friends if someone can help me swing the bat.

hiking the Gorge of the Dead, Crete

What’s in a Name

One aspect of self-image has to do with our names – the ones we are born with, and the one’s given to us by others.

It’s funny how a nickname can be awesome or mortifying, not depending on the name itself, but on the circumstances with which we acquired it.

I’ve had a lot of nicknames over the years, some given by friends or generally nice people, and others by bullies and people who wanted to belittle or humiliate me.

The boys at primary and high school called me “Blinky Bill” because of my eye condition, which makes me blink and squint all the time. This made me feel pretty shit. I can never associate that name, or the character, with anything good.

A boy in one of my classes started calling my “Scopes” because of the special telescope I used to look at the board. He meant it good-naturedly, with no malice, and it made me smile whenever he said it.

My friend Ryan started calling me “blinkin’” after the character in “Robin Hood, Men in Tights” and it made me so happy. It is quite similar to “blinky bill” but because it was given to me by a friend, and the way he says it, with a sparkle in his eye, it’s cool.

My husband calls me “Dozer” (because I look like I’m having a sleep) or “Beaker” (from the Muppets), both of which just make us laugh.

The Big Bad Media

But what about the media? Isn’t all this self-loathing their fault? Nope, sorry. I don’t think it is. Blaming the media is a scapegoat – when we say the Media does this to us, we’re ignoring the real problem, which is part of society itself.

I think people like to blame the media because it’s an easy target – it’s obvious. But the media isn’t a thinking, feeling entity. It’s not “out to get you”. The media reflects society much more than society reflects the media.

The media gives us what we want.

We want more wafer-thin popstars because we buy their albums and go to their concerts. Well, I don’t buy their albums or watch their videos or anything, and if you don’t agree with them, neither should you. But other people do – and then they blame the media for thir low-elf esteem.

The kids who bullied me either weren’t taught or chose to ignore a very important lesson about the diversity of human beings – and that wasn’t the media’s fault.

The great thing about the media is you don’t HAVE to listen to it. Turn off the TV – change your browser homepage, put down the magazine. Find something to read that inspires you, rather than making you angry.

And remember, as the Graverobber says “for every market, a submarket grows”. If you’re feeling angry or disillusioned about the media you’re watching or reading, look deeper – you’ll find intelligent, thought-provoking TV, movies, books, blogs, magazines and websites being created by people just like you. (Reading Steff Metal is a great start!)

And if you really don’t want to leave it alone, create your own media. Knowledge is power, so give power to other people by creating your own media outlet – show the world the problems you experience and how we can work together to solve them.

How’s My Self Image now?

I am not a supermodel, or someone guys oogle or whistle at. I still have an odd-looking face and a big nose and I still look awkward and I still hunch. But I know now that my facial features are heavily influenced by some of my eastern European heritage, which makes me feel proud – not ashamed.

At my first German castle

I haven’t feel embarrassed or awkward about my eye condition for years – it’s just another weird, unique aspect of me, and now that I’m older, people find it interesting, rather than something to pick on. I think it’s pretty cool that of all the eye conditions to get, I ended up with Achromotopsia, which is incredibly rare and enables me to see the world with a completely unique perspective.

I have my cool red glasses, which not only help me see better but don’t make me feel self-conscious about wearing glasses. I am getting better about using my cane, too.

Recently, I changed my diet to include healthier breakfasts and more fruit. My skin, which is still prone to zits, has suddently become super clear. Every time I feel like a chocolate bar instead of an apple I smile at myself and think how great I feel, and I enjoy that apple.

All these changes have occurred gradually over time, and I’m glad I’ve been able to overcome my negative self-image. Now I’m 25 and I’m still enjoying being young without continually suffering from feelings of ill-worth.

It makes me so happy that having gone through all the shit during my childhood, I get to write articles like this and turn all that negativity into something positive.

If you are struggling with negative self-image

• Ask someone you care about to tell you something they like about your body

• Remember compliments you receive and write them down somewhere. If you’re feeling down about how you look, remember these comments and I bet you’ll feel a lot better.

• Get some exercise. Exercise has a serious positive effect on your mood, and your self image. I love to pound weights in the gym while listening to Manowar : )

• Wear clothes that make you smile. Being bright and confident can totally change how others perceive you.

• Don’t say negative things about the way other people look, even if you think they can’t hear you. Don’t “bitch” about others because you feel like shit. You’re spreading the hate – and it makes you just as bad as they are.

• If your friends are saying mean things to you, about anything … get some new friends.

• Make inspiration boards or notebooks of quotes and pictures that make you smile. Look at people who’ve achieved extra-ordinary things – were they pretty? Do you think they cared?

• Find ways to make health interesting – I became interested in healthy food through River Cottage. Myself and many of my friends get exercise through medieval martial arts, camping and tramping. Once you start digging deeper, you’ll realize how fascinating issues of health and wellbeing can be.

• If you think your self-image issues are part of a deeper problem, or you’re suffering from depression or an eating disorder, seek professional help. This is the best thing you can do for yourself. It doesn’t mean you are crazy and you should never feel embarrassed to ask for help. Don’t tell anyone if you don’t want to. Not many people knew I used to talk to a counseller on occasion at university, when I found life too overwhelming, and having a caring, unbiased, and expert opinion really helped me sort my life out. I haven’t needed to see her in years, but if I ever did, I would be back there in a flash.

I know many of you will have your own stories to share and your own advice to give, so please share in the comments.

Thanks for reading. Love you long time!