Top Ten Reasons Metalheads Make Good Writers

Being a metalhead and an author myself, I must confess a little bias on this subject. I came up with this top ten list two years ago when I wrote my first metalhead novel (still unpublished due to excessive crappiness) and needed to explain to prospective literary agents why they should take on a metalhead author.

Top Ten Reasons Metalheads Make Good Authors

1) Where else will you find flowery, three-page descriptions of your male protagonist’s sleek, beautiful butt-length hair?

2) Verse chorus verse chorus verse chorus EPIC SHRED SOLO OF DOOM chorus = action consequence action consequence action consequence EPIC LIFE-ALTERING CLIMAX OF DOOM consequence

3) Characters assess their every action on a scale of ‘What Would Count Grishnakh Do?’

4) Stories are always set in far-off frostbitten lands in Europe where scantily-clad women constantly run around with stiff nipples

5) Manuscripts will be handwritten, in human blood, for additional kreigness. This will not be a matter of choice, as the metalhead author will have spilt his Jack Daniels in his laptop keyboard, and his unemployment check wouldn’t have arrived so he can’t afford ink

6) All brilliant authors are reclusive alcoholics. All metalheads are reclusive alcoholics. Coincidence? I think not.

7) For the first time ever, “bashing emo’s” becomes a legitimate plot device.

8) The ‘About the Author’ page is almost as long as the book, and consists of a run-on list of every band the author considers adequately metal.

9) All your hero’s problems are solved once he remembers the lyrics to a Manowar song.

10) You’ve spent more time deciding on the lineup for the arena tour to promote your book, than actually writing the book itself.

Super Snuggles and Shoggoth Kisses
Steff