1. Play a show in your friend’s basement that’s so loud the neighbours call the police.
2. Find yourself in an unsavorary location and / or a compromising position after answering a “guitarist wanted” ad.
3. Post videos of your epic shred solo of doom on Youtube.
4. Teach someone how to play the opening to “Nothing Else Matters.”
5. Have a total fanboy / fangirl moment when you meet one of your favorite guitarists – ala Wayne’s World “We’re not worthy!”
6. Collect samples of wood from grymm and frostbitten locations around the world. Store these in a box in your closet as possible bodies for your first custom guitar.
7. Grafitti on the bathroom wall in a metal club.
8. Instigate a heavy metal campfire singalong.
9. Learn the middle AND the end of “Stairway to Heaven”.
10. Cover your guitar case in krieg band stickers.
11. Give your playing style a non-sensical name.
12. Give interviewers a list of obscure guitarists as your “influences” and smile knowlingly when they don’t know who they are.
13. Conduct a photo shoot in your best “staunch” metal pose. Bonus points if you can get some invisible oranges in there.
14. Write a song for a lover.
15. Write a song for an ex-lover. This will probably be the better of the two.
16. Compose a metal cover of a totally non-metal song, ala Turisas’ “Rasputin”.
17. When someone in the crowd yells “play some Slayer!” bust out a few riffs from “Reign in Blood”.
18. Buy an amp with a knob that goes up to eleven.
19. Fire a drummer.
20. Perform synchronized windmilling on stage with your other bandmates.
21. Join an online guitar forum to geek out about gear and technique.
22. Get into a heated argument on an online guitar forum about gear and / or technique.
23. Play on stage with a fan blowing your hair.
24. Call a famous metal guitarist “overrated”.
25. Lust after a particular guitar just because your idol plays it.
26. Work out so that one day you can take your shirt off on stage.
27. Convince yourself it’s OK to wear makeup on stage without being considered a pansy.
28. Crowdsurf while playing guitar.
29. Visit the Rock n Roll hall of Fame, or any of the other guitar museums around the world, and complain about the lack of metal.
30. Write a letter to a popular guitar magazine complaining about the lack of metal.
32. Have a solo project just so you can call the shots.
33. Develop what I like to call a ‘deplorable excess of personality’.
Feel free to add your own in the comments!
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