Some time ago I wrote a post on metal subgenres: do they matter? In it I compared metal music’s vast array of strange and eclectic genres to the myriad different sexual positions and practices of our wonderful species. With the 50 Shades of Grey movie released the other week, I thought it might be fun to figure out exactly which sexual encounter would define each metal genre. Since anything referencing 50 Shades of Grey is likely to get retweeted a billion times, I present to you … 50 Shades of Metal Genres – an erotic guide to bad-ass music.
1. Heavy Metal: This is metal’s missionary position: a tried-and-true formula that never gets old. Most people start with classic heavy metal, then move on to darker and more mischievous genres.
2. Speed Metal: Missionary position with the lights on.
3. New Wave of British Heavy Metal: This is light S&M – Like Rob Halford
4. Thrash Metal: Fucking.
5. Glam Metal: The metal equivalent of having a hot orgy with a room full of people, but not knowing the sex of a single one of them.
6. Death Metal: Shagging.
7. Black Metal: Sex in a forest with a bit of erotic asphixiation … after all, how do you think BM vocalists perfect that demonic rasp?
8. Progressive Metal: You go for four hours, just to be able to say you can. For the last 95 minutes all you’ve been thinking about is how much you need to take a piss …
9. Gothic Metal: Sex in a graveyard – hot in theory, but in reality it’s cold, homeless people are watching and you’ve got a granite slab halfway up your bottom …
10. Doom Metal: Shagging underwater.
11. Industrial Metal: It’s your first visit to a dungeon. You’re greeted by a tall, creepy man in a greasy overcoat. He points to a horrible-looking machine and talks to you in Nine Inch Nails lyrics. Your fear is replaced by boredom and, while he’s in the bathroom gelling up his hair spikes, you sneak out the back door.
12. Power Metal: I put on my wizard’s hat and cloak …
13. Symphonic Metal: Instead of centrefolds on your wall, you have posters of Tarja and Simone Simons.
14. Sludge: Have you ever watched two chicks jelly-wresting to Kyuss? It shouldn’t work, but it does.
15. Melodic Death Metal: Shagging with clean sheets.
16. Technical Death Metal: Shagging with an odd time-signature.
17. Progressive Death Metal: Shagging with an odd time-signature and some kind of leather gimp mask.
18. Symphonic Black Metal: Sex in a forest with a keyboard close at hand.
19. USBM (United States Black Metal): Sex in a forest infested with bears.
20. NSBM (National Socialist Black Metal): Sex in a forest infested with racial minorities.
21. Viking Metal: Sex in a forest infested with dragons.
22. Christian Metal: You stand on opposite sides of the room and stare longingly at each other.
23. Unblack Metal: “Seriously, babe. It only counts as having sex if it has the potential to result in a baby. I know another way …”
24. Death n’ Roll: Doggie-style with lots of slap n’ tickle.
25. Funeral Doom: Sex underwater … with a corpse.
26. Drone Metal: Sex inside a plastic tank filled with bees.
27. Folk Metal: Another orgy, but this one has medieval flutes in interesting places.
28. Jazz Metal: Leather gimp masks and odd time-signatures, but no actual shagging.
29. Post Metal: Post-coital existential pillow talk.
30. War Metal: You know what they say about crossing swords …
31. Celtic Metal: Shagging an irate baseball fan.
32. Groove Metal: Lots of really bad pickup lines.
33. Grindcore: Beastiality.
34. Metalcore: Lazy-girl sex.
35. Deathcore: Voraphilia.
36. Mathcore: You’re a virgin, but you’re fond of sticking protractors down there …
37. Djent: No sex for you. You’re a virgin.
38. Teutonic Thrash Metal: Ein zwei! Ein zwei!
39. Avant-Garde Metal: A priest, a rabbi and a duck walk into your bedroom …
40. Deathgrind: Figging. Why would anyone do this. WHY?
41. Goregrind: Dolcett. No, don’t look that up. And don’t ask me how I know what that is.
42. NWOBHM: Unprotected sex, but it’s OK, because the jeans are so tight there ain’t nothing getting through there.
43. Stoner Metal: Hallucinating that your partner has just turned into a giant earwig …
44. Hellenic Black Metal: Zeus turns into a swam, then ravishes you while you eat souvlaki.
45. Gothenburg: Sex with a beautiful Swede who can make you do anything, just by asking in that gorgeous accent …
46. Pagan Metal: A sexual ritual to appease the gods, possibly involving sandalwood incense and replaying The Craft over and over again …
47. Post-Metal: Fucking during astral projection.
48. Metalgaze: Fucking during a David Lynch film.
49. Crust Punk: Sex in the portaloo at a festival – while one of you is going.
50. Manowar: may your sword stay wet, like a young girl in her prime …
Can you guys think of any more?