September 30, 2011

Ask a Metalhead: talking to metalhead guys

Ask a Metalhead, Tr00 Metal Life

Dear Steff Metal

I really like metalhead boys (long hair and piercings = mmmmmm) but they just don’t seem to like me… I listen to lots of metal and absolutely love it, but I don’t really look like a metalhead (I normally just wear jeans and band shirts).

I hang out in metal pubs (I live near Bristol, England and we have a few really good ones), and I see lots of beautiful metally blokes around, but I’m too shy to approach them, and they never approach me! I would very much like a nice metal boyfriend … any tips?


I would like to respond first of all with a big, appreciative “fuck yeah!” for all the metal lads out there. You are all hot and awesome.

Annoying, pubs are the both the easiest places to find hot metal guys, and the hardest places to approach someone and talk to them. Everyone usually sits with their little group, and it’s hard to just approach someone and start a conversation unless you’re one of those annoying people with no shame. Often you can’t have a conversation over the loud music, and you never know if someone wants to talk or just wants you to fuck off so they can drink their beer in peace.

Luckily, you’re a girl. You have the upper hand.

For once, mathematics is on your side. There are simply much fewer female metal fans than male. We’re not as invisible as we were 10-20 years ago, but the disparity still exists. I’d say there are usually 2 guys to every girl, sometimes as many as 5 to 1.

This means that the metal girls who do exist tend to get snapped up pretty fast by the few guys who manage to overcome their wussiness long enough to say “fancy a sh<>g””. So a metal chick – a single metal chick – is a rare and sought-after commodity.

Guys are terrified of us, especially if they like us or think they might sometime in the future like us. This terror makes them do stupid things, like grunting when we try to talk to them, telling stupid sexist jokes and trying to throw us into the foldbacks.


What? One guy can't help another guy tie on his shower pass? CDH and Johnowar Wacken 2011. (Johnowar, btw, is cute, and a lawyer, and single :P)

Although, they might also grunt when we talk to them because they are miserable pricks. They might tell stupid sexist jokes because they’re insensitive knobheads, and they might try to throw us into the foldbacks because they’re high on P. Telling the difference is hard, and only comes with practice.

The truth is, sometimes you have to make the first move. And this means sometimes you’re going to be shot down. And it blows – especially if you’re shy. But you have to be brave, give yourself a huge pep talk, and go over and strike up a conversation. Here are some tips for making that easier:

– Don’t worry about thinking up some super clever opening line. This isn’t some hipster club where “Your body is wonderland and I want to be Alice” cuts it. Just walk over, dump your beer on the table across from him and say “Hi, I’m Steff. I was drinking alone over there and saw you drinking alone and wondered if you might want some company.” 92% of guys are not going to tell you to fuck off. And you don’t want to talk to the other 8% anyway.

– Ditto if you see a couple of guys drinking together and looking like they’re having a great time. Just walk over, introduce yourself, and say you saw them laughing and you could do with a laugh. If it’s more than two guys, I’d tend to avoid that group, unless they look like they’re starting a game of pool and could do with another player.

– Ask questions – people love to talk about themselves. What does he think of the band? Do they always come to this pub? Where did he get his shirt from? Often, the less you say about yourself, the more comfortable you make someone feel around you.

– try for friends first. Just because a guy isn’t interested in you physically, or already has a girlfriend, doesn’t mean he isn’t going to make an awesome friend (who has equally hot mates). I’ve found people in the metal scene seem genuinely more accepting of mixed-gender friendships.

– Offer to buy a round of drinks. None of this batting eyelashes and getting free drinks all night.

– If he offers to get you a drink, don’t get all hairy-kneed feminist about it and insist on paying for it yourself. Let the man buy you a damn beer.

– make friends with those girls who seem to know and like everybody. They are your fastest ticket into any social circle.

– remember that just because you think he’s hot and he likes metal, doesn’t mean you’re going to click instantly. If you’re not feeling it, don’t force it. Plenty more hot long-haired men in the mosh pit.

– You will make an ass of yourself. You will have to grip your bar stool to keep from falling off. You will accidentally spit cheese bread across the table or spill beer on yourself. He will think you’re a) adorable, b) a train wreck, c) weird. This doesn’t necessarily mean he’s never going to want to talk to you again.

I “stalked” my husband for two years after I met him. He would say hello to me and I would stare at my feet and mumble something incoherent or just run away. Yes – this was embarrassing. I needed two years of working up the courage to talk to strangers and make friends before I could even have a conversation with the guy. This shit is hard. That’s why you’ve got to do it all the time, so when a guy or girl you really like comes along, you’re ready for them.

Readers, any more advice for approaching attractive members of the opposite sex? How did you meet your significant other?

11 Comments on “Ask a Metalhead: talking to metalhead guys

April 16, 2013 at 3:49 am

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November 12, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Are there any cool metal networking sites anyone knows of where one could mingle with the opposite sex?

PS – I’m a girl.

October 18, 2011 at 7:34 am

Really good advice. Start approaching men! Keep in mind that there are plenty of good minded, long haired, very attractive, yet more introverted metalheads who will find you very attractive, but are too nervous to approach you. Genuinely nice guys don’t want you to perceive them as womanizers; if they see you at a show, it’s natural to assume that you are likely in attendance with a guy.

I think the way to approach is to be classy but not afraid to show interest — don’t turn an initial encounter into a hook up, but let him know that you find him attractive overall. Gauge how the guy converses with you, and take note of how he treats other women (is he always ogling women? speaking of ‘metal chicks’ in a degrading tone?)

I asked out my boyfriend, and I’ve never regretted it. Prior to that, I also asked out a musician (he’s always seemed very nice and is staggering to look at, so why the hell not indulge myself?) We went out to eat after the show, plenty of flirtation but I’m not into casual flings. He’s a great guy, but we both knew there was no epic romance likely to come out of one evening, as we lived several hundred miles away from each other, but he was fun to spend time with. Try not to define rejection as some soul shattering experience, rather your and a particular person’s character and needs would not have been compatible long term. I think women are really limiting themselves when they wait for a guy to pursue them, rather than making a connection and seeing if the guy responds.

October 10, 2011 at 3:42 pm

i don’t know what you’re talking about because jeans and band t-shirts are the most metal thing to wear. i’ve had guys just come to me and tell me how great the band on my shirt is. But if you like guys with piercings (and obv long hair) that tells you that you like guys who put some effort in their ‘look’, and so they might be more interested in a girl that does the same (of course i’m not telling you it is necessary to change your style, but it might help if it would make you feel more confident). but what i’ve concluded so far, is that the greatest attraction comes from the attitude and personality. if you are not happy with yourself then it is less likely for you to find someone who will suit you. be satisfied with who you are at the moment (and believe me, everyone has the capacity to be), if you are not, then try to change for the better, everybody has to work on themselves. oh yea, and try meeting guys at concerts, the people are not in isolated groups like in bars and are a lot easier to approach, and you don’t have to talk to them for a long time so it is less awkward and then you can exchange emails, or whatever you’re using, and arrange to see each other on another concert (you can come with a friend or even solo). also, i’ve seen a lot of metalheads in libraries and book stores, and you can already see three good qualities in the guy: he is a metalhead, looks good and likes to read!

October 4, 2011 at 3:33 am

Great advice, Steff! At the risk of irking self-labeled feminists and “jeans and a band shirt” girls, I’ll share my advice and experience. For years, I dressed down at shows and metal-centered gatherings. I wore pants and a top. I love and know my metal as much as any long-haired boy or man in a metal band shirt. While I was approached by men. They were usually not the ones that I was attracted to (smart, worldly, long-haired, talented men). So I studied the fashion choices of a pal who is dating an uber hot and incredibly talented man who plays in a band with a global following. What did he see in her? A hot chick who digs metal. So, I gave myself a makeover and traded my jeans in for dresses or wore a sexier DIY band tee and stylish shoes. I dressed for attention and to highlight my best features. I invested in different cosmetics and curled my hair. Guess what? I’m now seeing the man of my dreams. He was attracted to my looks but was moreimpressed by my knowledge and passion for heavy music. Stay true to what you love, but go to the gym, eat healthily, radiate beauty (regardless of your shape), be active in your local metal scene(s), and chances are, you’ll meet a handsome metal man who will love you for your intelligence, good looks, and knowledge of obscure 1970s proto metal, doom, and thrash. Yet, be wary of those who fixate on how “hot” you areand/or undermine your credibility as a female metal fan. In my opinion, the latter are worse than the former. Happy hunting girls!

October 4, 2011 at 2:41 am

Good advice… I guess the main point is making the first move! Scary, but it’s the only way it’s going to happen!

October 3, 2011 at 9:27 am

A lot of the metalheads that I know are quiet, shy people and not the most outgoing blokes.

It’s difficult, then, to strike up conversations with folks who are nervous in a social situation, even if you seem to be into the same music and have similar interests.

The hard truth is that you have to put yourself out there, make a first move and be ready to shot down once or twice. In the main, the metal fans that I know are affable and welcoming – it’s getting over the first step towards knowing them that can be the problem, but it’s also the first step towards making new friends.

September 30, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Damn you British people have more metalheads than us Greeks! We try to find metal lasses with a magnifying glass!

Seriously though, try to start a conversation about the band on his t-shirt, or any coming gigs, maybe ask him if he has a certain album, or if he knows some cool record shops… Or ask him if he knows how to play guitar/bass ’cause hypothetically you’re about to learn too.

I guess if I wasn’t TOO shy to talk to girls, those would be some of the starting topics in mind.


September 30, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Sounds like good advice. I met my wife 20 years ago in high-school through one of “those girls who seem to know and like everybody”.

September 30, 2011 at 2:41 pm

I met my metalhead boyfriend online. I think this is best possible way to get to know someone because had my boyfriend met me in a bar, he admits he wouldn’t have been terribly interested based off first physical impressions (I’m a band shirt and jeans kind of girl too, and I just can’t be bothered with make-up or anything else that involves effort). He fell in love with my personality and when we finally met up, it was easy for him to ignore the fact that I’m lazy with my appearance. It also gave me an opportunity to make sure he wasn’t an epic douche like my last two metalhead boyfriends had been.

It’s really easy to approach metalheads online. The hardest part is finding those close enough to you so you’re not stuck in a long-distance online relationship.

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