Dear Steff Metal
I really like metalhead boys (long hair and piercings = mmmmmm) but they just don’t seem to like me… I listen to lots of metal and absolutely love it, but I don’t really look like a metalhead (I normally just wear jeans and band shirts).
I hang out in metal pubs (I live near Bristol, England and we have a few really good ones), and I see lots of beautiful metally blokes around, but I’m too shy to approach them, and they never approach me! I would very much like a nice metal boyfriend … any tips?
I would like to respond first of all with a big, appreciative “fuck yeah!” for all the metal lads out there. You are all hot and awesome.
Annoying, pubs are the both the easiest places to find hot metal guys, and the hardest places to approach someone and talk to them. Everyone usually sits with their little group, and it’s hard to just approach someone and start a conversation unless you’re one of those annoying people with no shame. Often you can’t have a conversation over the loud music, and you never know if someone wants to talk or just wants you to fuck off so they can drink their beer in peace.
Luckily, you’re a girl. You have the upper hand.
For once, mathematics is on your side. There are simply much fewer female metal fans than male. We’re not as invisible as we were 10-20 years ago, but the disparity still exists. I’d say there are usually 2 guys to every girl, sometimes as many as 5 to 1.
This means that the metal girls who do exist tend to get snapped up pretty fast by the few guys who manage to overcome their wussiness long enough to say “fancy a sh<>g””. So a metal chick – a single metal chick – is a rare and sought-after commodity.
Guys are terrified of us, especially if they like us or think they might sometime in the future like us. This terror makes them do stupid things, like grunting when we try to talk to them, telling stupid sexist jokes and trying to throw us into the foldbacks.
Although, they might also grunt when we talk to them because they are miserable pricks. They might tell stupid sexist jokes because they’re insensitive knobheads, and they might try to throw us into the foldbacks because they’re high on P. Telling the difference is hard, and only comes with practice.
The truth is, sometimes you have to make the first move. And this means sometimes you’re going to be shot down. And it blows – especially if you’re shy. But you have to be brave, give yourself a huge pep talk, and go over and strike up a conversation. Here are some tips for making that easier:
– Don’t worry about thinking up some super clever opening line. This isn’t some hipster club where “Your body is wonderland and I want to be Alice” cuts it. Just walk over, dump your beer on the table across from him and say “Hi, I’m Steff. I was drinking alone over there and saw you drinking alone and wondered if you might want some company.” 92% of guys are not going to tell you to fuck off. And you don’t want to talk to the other 8% anyway.
– Ditto if you see a couple of guys drinking together and looking like they’re having a great time. Just walk over, introduce yourself, and say you saw them laughing and you could do with a laugh. If it’s more than two guys, I’d tend to avoid that group, unless they look like they’re starting a game of pool and could do with another player.
– Ask questions – people love to talk about themselves. What does he think of the band? Do they always come to this pub? Where did he get his shirt from? Often, the less you say about yourself, the more comfortable you make someone feel around you.
– try for friends first. Just because a guy isn’t interested in you physically, or already has a girlfriend, doesn’t mean he isn’t going to make an awesome friend (who has equally hot mates). I’ve found people in the metal scene seem genuinely more accepting of mixed-gender friendships.
– Offer to buy a round of drinks. None of this batting eyelashes and getting free drinks all night.
– If he offers to get you a drink, don’t get all hairy-kneed feminist about it and insist on paying for it yourself. Let the man buy you a damn beer.
– make friends with those girls who seem to know and like everybody. They are your fastest ticket into any social circle.
– remember that just because you think he’s hot and he likes metal, doesn’t mean you’re going to click instantly. If you’re not feeling it, don’t force it. Plenty more hot long-haired men in the mosh pit.
– You will make an ass of yourself. You will have to grip your bar stool to keep from falling off. You will accidentally spit cheese bread across the table or spill beer on yourself. He will think you’re a) adorable, b) a train wreck, c) weird. This doesn’t necessarily mean he’s never going to want to talk to you again.
I “stalked” my husband for two years after I met him. He would say hello to me and I would stare at my feet and mumble something incoherent or just run away. Yes – this was embarrassing. I needed two years of working up the courage to talk to strangers and make friends before I could even have a conversation with the guy. This shit is hard. That’s why you’ve got to do it all the time, so when a guy or girl you really like comes along, you’re ready for them.
Readers, any more advice for approaching attractive members of the opposite sex? How did you meet your significant other?