August 22, 2009

Top Ten Ways to Earn $5 from metal

Brutal Tunes, Tr00 Metal Life

I got the idea for this post from hearing friends complain about their boring jobs taking away from their Metal Time (like Hammer Time, but with tighter pants).

We’d all love to make a living doing what we love, but when you love metal, it can feel like there aren’t any opportunities for entrepreneurs. Oh Contraire! I’m an expert when it comes to thinking up hair-brained money-making ventures for aspiring creatives. Here are ten of my best, or worst, depending on your perspective :).

Top Ten Ways to Earn $5 from Metal

    1. Play in a heavy metal band. The scene don’t survive without you amazing, talented musicians. In New Zealand, three bands play for $10, and all the bands split the proceeds. If you play in a four piece band you only need to get 6 people through the door (paying patrons, that is. Your mates who climbed in the bathroom window don’t count) before you’ve earnt $5!

    2. Invent a new genre of metal and name it after yourself. You’ll make millions in scene points and hair-product endorsements.

    3. Write a popular fan zine and sell it. Once you’ve covered the cost of paper, ink, labour, tickets to gigs to review, disribution, and website hosting, you’ll make around 0.75 cents per zine. You only have to sell 666 copies to make $5. Now THAT’s kreig.

    4. Start a metal blog – a good one. Sell band endorsements for inflated sums of money.

    5. Photograph gigs and bands and metal mayhem. Sell your work to bands needing album photos, myspace pictures and artistic wall hangings.

    6. Design band logos. With today’s unreadable black metal logos, you don’t even need to know how to spell.

    7. Design death metal myspace skins. You know you want to.

    8. If you’re a beauty-school dropout, offer cut price haircuts and corpsepaint makeup sessions.

    9. Brew a new kind of non-hangover-inducing mead. Bogans will buy gallons of the stuff.

    10. Cut up your old metal t-shirts and sew them into attractive household decorating items, like throw pillows, doillies, and beanbag covers. As the metalhead population ages and matures, they need less concert couture and more doom decor.

Can you think of any more?

Super Snuggles and Shoggoth Kisses

One Comment on “Top Ten Ways to Earn $5 from metal

Joshua Russell
May 12, 2012 at 3:56 pm

11. Write a novel, short story or screenplay about a band and try to sell it to a publisher for $5.

12. Make a tattoo gun from a rubber band motor, a guitar string and a pen and jail tattoo people with ugly metal designs and stuff and charge $5.

Comments are closed.